... and I'll follow the leader.
~Bright Eyes

My head is a carousel of pictures, the spinning never stops...

I'm getting scared. Absence supposedly makes the heart grow fonder... and I guess I could blame it all on that. But people are getting interested lately. They want to know what I've been up to. Am I seeing someone? Am I sleeping with someone? And they all want to know who. They want to know where he came from, how long its been going on, how much longer I intend to keep it a secret, and will it ever progress to anything more than what it is now...

The truth is that I don't know. Of course everyone wants someone to love them. Everyone wants to have that familiarity with someone. Everyone wants to have that someone to hold them. Someone they can feel safe with. And its weird that in my own little way, I've almost found that in him...

Let's be honest, I'm not the best when it comes to relationships. I've done everything in my power to sabotage every (romantic) relationship I've ever had. But in my head I wonder if it was all a test. If that person could survive my psychotic, irrational ramblings, then maybe they could survive me. So far, no one could pass the test.

Recently, I learned that someone actually used one these to "get out" of our relationship.

So when the opportunity for a "non-relationship" came along, I jumped at it. We talk, we joke around, we share, and when I'm with him, I don't feel embarassed, uncomfortable, or undeserving (except that sometimes I wonder how I could be lucky enough to have such an experience with such a great person). But its been a while since I've seen him, so chances are that all of this is in my head.

But what if it's not. What if I'm developing (forgive me for saying it) *real* feelings for this person that brings me such pleasure...

Is it possible that we're just in a time frame right now that prevents it from being more? Or is it truely a situation which cannot progress outside the little world we've built for ourselves? Is it possible that its just been a while and I'm getting antsy?

Who knows...

Good thing though, he won't be around for a few days.

Maybe I can use that time to get my head back on straight and realize that fucking up this great thing we got going would be stupid and insane...

So to all of you out there that still read this thing...

Have a good weekend and here's to the healthy unhealthy relationship...