... like you imagined when you were young.
~The Killers

The more and more I allow it to go on, the more I realize that I have caused the change that I'm so displeased with. I've taken the one thing I thought I could never screw up, and done just that. For some reason, the passiveness that I had before, the nonchalant conversations, they have all gone away, and that stress that I didn't want in a relationship...

I've created it all for myself.

I overthink every step, every word (or lack thereof)... Does he still want me? Am I boring him? Does he think I'm crazy? Is he trying to not hurt my feelings? He says no... but my experiences have told me never to believe anything a guy says.

Trust has definitely been an issue here. I want to trust him, I really do. I want to believe that he won't hurt me. I want to believe that with him, I never have to worry about him lying to me. I want to believe that he's been hurt enough not to do that to me.

But just like I have no reason not to trust him... I also have no reason to trust him. He has nothing to really gain or lose by lying to me... but he also has nothing to really gain or lose by telling me the truth...

I guess it comes down to that actions speak louder than words...

He's no longer infatuated with me. He no longer wants me at every moment of everyday...

I'm not an idiot... I know...

So I guess that maybe this is over... and we're simply in the deathrattle stage.

It just sucks. Cuz I look back at the way things used to be... when he wanted me. I was ungrateful of his affection. I was passive, and cruel to him. Not following through on promises I'd made to him. Not being as giving as he was...

I was scared (go back and read some of my older entries to see proof of this)... I wasn't sure if he was something I was willing to pursue. If he was something that I was willing to invest the time in.

I still don't know, but I feel like the option used to be on the table. Now, it's not. He says that he can't offer that to me now because he's just so busy. But I can't help but wonder if he can't offer a relationship at all right now...

Or if it's just me...

It's just that I feel like I've finally gotten to know him. And as I did, I started to love all those little things about him. He turned into someone that I could see myself with...

I guess I missed the boat.

But I must say that the thing that scares me the most is that maybe... just maybe... the ACTUAL course of events was more like this: When he was interested, I was scared and passive. Then, as he began to lose interest and pull away... I began to gain interest in him...

Is it possible that all this time, I only have interest in those who have no interest in me? That way I'd never have to actually be in a REAL relationship.

Guilt overcomes me... what a horrible feeling...

Andy you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine...~The Killers