... "abandonment issues!"

For someone who could never say that they've officially "been in love," I've certainly had my experiences with it. It seems that time after time, I watch the people around me have these amazing relationships, these amazing feelings, this wonderful feeling of completely and totally loving another person. And as the "best friend" of these people who get "the prize that was promised" i have a good idea of what it looks like... though all i ever wanted was to know what it feels like.

And once again, I'm in a state of wishing i was wrong. But I'm hardly ever wrong… and when speaking about matters of the heart, i'm seldom wrong (atleast about other people). And once again, i fear that i am right...and it hurts so deep...

We are all shaped by the experiences we've had. It shapes the schemas in our brains so that when we experence a similiar situation, we know what is probably gonna happen. So when someone you love very much finally meets someone... you have a pretty good idea of what is to come...

And its not that i don't want her to be happy. I swear, i've never met a guy so amazingly perfect for her. Such a great wonderful, intelligent guy for such an amazing girl. I want it to happen for her so bad. I can’t even describe how happy I am for her.

And though I want her to be happy so bad... I fear what it would mean for our friendship. It's been my experience that the best friend usually gets kicked out of the equation at some point. The only question is when...

and when i think about that it makes me want to crawl into a hole and die.

How many friends have i lost this way? Let me count the ways...

The truth is that i love her, and she is infatuated with the most amazing guy and i'd be so proud of her to end up with such a catch after all this time. But i know already that i'll miss her. Just like i miss all the rest...

It just sucks becuase i don't think i've ever met anyone, any friend that i could honestly say that her love for me is practically unconditional. i'm not saying she'd put up with me running over her dog, but i can tell her anything, i can ask her anything and she never judges, she never makes me feel bad about myself. if anything, she always tells me how great i am and how CRAZY i am for feeling so down about myself. She never gets mad, she never gets offended, all we do is laugh and cut up and love on each other.

And now I'm torn. I love her so much that I could never do anything but hope that this works out for her (though i seriously see no reason why it wouldn't). But i still fear that her happiness will, once again, leave me here alone. and then what? I'm at the point that if it were to happen again, if i were to lose my best friend to someone that she just met... again... i don't know if i could survive it... not again…

I'm just so tired of feeling like i'm not good enough. i'm tired of feeling like the only reason people talk to me is cuz they need something. i'm tired of feeling like people do things for me becuase they feel sorry for me.

She doesn't make me feel that way... she makes me feel like she really loves me.

so what happens when she's gone?

I'm gonna miss her so much...