... if there's anyway to help me.

I'm thinking about people and their problems. Just read this blog by Zach Braff talking about how he lost his voice for a few days, but then watched this show about a girl with torrets syndrome and felt grateful to have just a cold.

Makes me think of my friend. She's so modest and so unbelievably selfless that she approaches a guy liking her with the idea of "why is this happening to me?" And as I try to talk her down from the ledge, informing her that it is in fact a good thing and that its nothing to go postal over... my frustration got the best of me. Because, seriously, I wish that was the worst of my day. Everything else, I wish that the worst thing that ever happened to me is that some awesome fucking guy wants to hang out with me and take me out and smell my hair and slap my ass and cuddle with my drunk ass on a couch and tell my friends how awesome i am and how much they want this "whatever" to become something so much more... I wish my days got that bad.

Or the hot guy who believes he's bad luck cuz he gets flat tires and doesn't get to run for governor and his tents blow away... (yeah, i know its random, but you get my point.) Once again, I wish that was the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Wanna talk about bad luck? Within 30 days, my mom lost her job and got diagnosed with Skin cancer, my sister got arrested, my best friend stopped talking to me, and my car had to have a new clutch, a new belt, and, oh yeah, and she had a small electrical fire. Please don't be offended if I don't feel too sorry for the "fortunate son." Some of us have actually had some life problems.

Seriously, it makes me wanna kill myself.

I've been saying that a lot lately. And I can't help but wonder just how much truth is there. Don't really wanna talk about it much more (words lead to thoughts and THOUGHTS are never good in my head...) but I guess now, I'm just waitin for someone to say something about it.

Went to Sherri's yesterday, where I think she tried to out me in front of my mother about the Scot. Sadly, I wish there was something to tell at this point, but things have been stagnant for too long now. Any news at this point would be considered old news.

But Sherri attempted to give me some balls. I haven't been wearing them lately. (Or maybe I've been wearing them too much?) Meanwhile, Jenny says I'm intimidating. Am I? Or just to her? But Sherri says I need to put my damn balls on and yell "MOTHER FUCKER!!" However, I'm not sure why or how that would help me in my current condition.

Jenny says that I just need to stop looking. Which its true, the most amazing people come into your life when you least expect it. However, when it seems that EVERYONE else in your life is in some sort of relationship... its hard not to wish that you had something similar. Its hard not to think about it when it seems to be everywhere you go...

It's hard not to notice that you seem to be the only one who is alone...

And I wonder, have I just been alone for too long now? Have I just gotten too used to being on my own? Has it been so long that I'll never be satisfied with anyone who comes along?

And though I ask all of these questions of myself, I'm always so scared to ask the one question that certainly shakes me down to my core, sends me running for the hills, and makes me want to curl into a fetal position and cry my eyes out...

What if I'm just supposed to be alone for the rest of my life? What if I'm never supposed to have kids?

What if there is truely no one out there to love me?

And before people start telling me that love takes time, its just gonna happen, you can't force these things, a watched pot never boils and there's someone out there for everyone... let me lay some knowledge on you. In every species there are always more women than men, including the human species. Therefore, in a monogamous society, there will be women left over. Therefore, statisically, some women will live their lives alone. Not saying that it WILL happen to me, I'm just saying its possible.

Cuz seriously, I'm never wrong about these things. I just don't see it happening. I just don't see anyone looking at me and saying, "yep, that's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with." Which is really sad, cuz I just have so much love to give. Could I make anyone happy? Could anyone make me happy? Who knows? But damn, I'd like to atleast be given the chance!

But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. I've always had that feeling, but lately, I've been overcome with it. And now that Jenny's seeing this guy, I'm so afraid that I'm gonna do something wrong... seriously, its nerve racking. (Luckily he's a pretty cool guy.) But seriously, if a guy told me that he liked me, I'd think he was fucking with me.

So I guess, all I can do at this point is wait?

Wait for what? Who the hell knows...