... then why do I feel as if I'm struggling to make it to the finish line?

So yeah, I know I haven't done this in a while. Sometimes I think my life is doing better when i dont post here. I like to think that I'm not posting here becuase I have better things to do with my time than to write about my meanderings.

And life has been pretty good lately, I suppose. I've been going out more, I've met so many new people, work is going well, classes have started back (and they're... okay...), and I have this great group of friends to hang out and get drunk with.

So why am I writing here? I'm writing here to announce that I am, OFFICIALLY, the last single person I know. (BTW: I do not consider you single if you aren't currently looking. If your current status is "n/a" then I do not consider you single, though you may be.) Its amazing, really. EVERYONE I know has a significant other.

"You need to find someone new. Someone better. Someone who knocks your socks off..."

Yeah, easier said than done. I know what I need. And its a lot easier to say that when you are IN a relationship. And I must say, hearing it from someone in a relationship, someone who doesn't know what its like to look and look and look... It's frustrating.

However, of course there are other things that are bothering me that are of WAY more importance... but as always, the things on the surface hide those things buried beneath. I know that sounds corny and trite, but it could never be more true...

But as far as my status is concerned... Its not like I haven't been trying. I TRIED! I put myself out there. I even forced myself to go out, meet, talk, and open myself up to this certain person. No, I didn't really really like him, but it was someone to talk to anyway. It was someone who seemed to be interested... in me. And then what? I'm dropped on my ass anyway.

So now what? What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Get up and do it again? Why do I have to fight so hard for something that everyone else finds so easily? Why do I have to work so hard to obtain it, when others have it all fall right in their laps?

I just don't understand.

The only answer I can find is that it is just me. Jenny says I'm intimidating. And the truth is that in every "relationship" I play the victim. The whole time I play up a whole facade that makes the other person feel like they have to stay with me. The truth is, I don't feel like anyone I've ever been with ("romantically") has ever really known me; ever gotten to know who I really am or what I'm really like. Becuase when I REALLY like someone, I shut down. Everything about me makes my skin boil, so I try to hide all of that.

I feel like the people I've just slept with, they know the real me better. But there's no basis there for a relationship. We all know that it is fake. Nothing said is meant, or even really remembered. Its actually really cool cuz you can both be incredibly honest. You can say anything, request anything and (atleast in my case) be my real uninhibited self and no one ever gets mad.

But of course it has its drawbacks too.

Of course there are always two ways of looking at anything.

I started writing this a while ago... and now its like over an hour later and I've kinda forgot where I was going with this.

Maybe that's why I haven't posted here in so long, I get a train of thought and I get interrupted and then... I forget... where was this train going again?

So before I close this up (cuz I think its more important to atleast post the train of thought even though it is not finished) I want you all to know that part of the title, namely "life is no contest", is from a Sean Kagalis song called "Something Secret." If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to go to http://myspace.com/seankagalis and listen to whatever he's got posted there.

Anyway, yeah... Life, love, liberty, persuit of happiness...

Peace.

PS: And why do I regret something I ain't done yet?